Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12)
Katriel had many hopes and dreams for her life.
It was senior year of college, and Katriel had spent her past four years having the time of her life. Going out to campus ministry every Thursday night, establishing her friend group and making sure she had a few bridesmaids for her future wedding, always being on a diet yet always succumbing to eating past 1AM with her best friends, and the list goes on. She loved God, but she wasn’t the perfect Christian; as no one is. She did go to some parties throughout college, and drank a little too much sometimes, but at the end of the day, she always remembered her first love, Jesus, and recommitted to loving Him with all she could.
Now as mentioned before, it was senior year. Katriel planned through (or didn’t plan) her 4 years like this:
- FRESHMAN YEAR: ehhh let’s get used to college first. I NEED FRIENDS!
- SOPHOMORE YEAR: oh shoot...what should I major in. still undeclared. help.
- JUNIOR YEAR: freak freak freak. I’ll just apply for every internship I see. Then I’ll figure
- it out.
- SENIOR YEAR: oh. crap. did I choose to right major. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.
As senior year began to pan out, she began to snap out of her YOLO senses and consider her future seriously. She realized that no more could she just depend on the next year to roll around to make a decision. For the first time, there would be no more summer break. There could either be a permanent summer vacation (yikes) or a promising career awaiting her. Therefore, she began to furiously apply for every promising job she found on the web.
Fall Quarter passed. Winter Quarter rolled around. Now if you have been in college, you know that Winter Quarter is the toughest quarter. The weather is cold, all you wanna do is lay in bed and skip class. Seasonal depression is too real. Loneliness spreads like wildfire.
Katriel began having this gnawing sensation in her stomach. It wasn’t the cold, no, and it wasn’t hunger either (though she did acknowledge that a perpetually starving person lived in there). After mulling over it for a while, she realized it. She was unhappy about her future and what she had been doing to shape it.
The opening line wasn’t just a hook; it was actually true. Katriel had many hopes and dreams for her life. However, she had completely disregarded them and decided to go for the tangible rewards. Income that could deliver her parents from a perpetual cycle of working from dawn to sunset. Stability and the comforts of having a schedule to depend on. Status and dependability as a working woman.
However, these she realized, were not a part of her hopes and dreams. She remembered a missions trip she went on to Africa her freshman year. It was her first overseas missions trip, and she remembered that it was the first time she ever felt God’s love so tangibly. She remembered that back then, she knew she wanted to live for Him for the rest of her life.
These career goals and basically her own willpower to carve out her own path by her own strength was not what she wanted, at all. What she wanted was to live for God, by God, after all.
Then one day, she decided to pray. She prayed this prayer,
“God, You know me so well. You understand my heart’s desires. Yet You also know the days of my life, and what is to unfold from here on. God, shape my desires like yours. You said that whoever delights in You would be given the desires of their heart. Therefore, help me delight in You LORD. The world can’t offer me anything greater than what You have to offer. Please help me live out my hopes and dreams to glorify You.”
A few days passed. On a certain day, when the sun was particularly bright, and the birds chirped their own songs, Katriel was having a normal day. She came home from school and began surfing the web, as usual. She happened upon Youtube, where she clicked on some music videos. Then Katriel received a revelation. What she was watching, was what she had always wanted to do since she was very little. She had however thrown away those dreams because she had believed that pursuing them would never give glory to God. They were too selfish in her eyes. But at that moment, she realized that she wanted to give those dreams to God. She had realized that God was her loving father, and that He loved her so much. Therefore, she wanted to rekindle the fire that was always inside of her, to pursue her dreams, and to glorify God. She knew there was no better way to serve her loving father, than in a way she understood and loved the most. That day she made a new vow with God. She once again lifted up a prayer:
“God, thank You for Your revelations to me. You are good, and Your ways are perfect. God, I am not going to wait around for You to live my life for me. I am not a baby anymore; I want to actively live out this life with You. I’m going to take steps towards my dreams, and let You in on the process. I am going to need Your help, I really can’t do this alone. Through my life, may You be glorified. May all of this process be a testimony to Your miraculous ways and Your goodness. These dreams are how I’m going to actively pursue You and glorify Your name to this world.”
And Katriel proceeded to take faith-filled leaps to her dream, glorifying God’s name.
Katriel, כַּתְרִיאֵל, “my crown is God.”