God is my Provider and my strength. He always has been, and He always will be.
Another day went by today where I was met with the brunt of my financial handicaps. I was with a friend at a local coffee shop, and we were discussing things. He had revealed to me how he had no job as of yet, but was fully supported by his parents. A quick flash of jealousy shot up, but passed; I was getting used to hearing situations like these.
I thought less of it, and headed home, but wildfires never seem to cease so quickly, as the topic came up again with my mom. She was discussing the phone bill with me and my brother, and she realized that she had been paying for my iPhone installments without me paying her. I had told her earlier in the summer that I would repay her after school started and I’d have a stable job again. She scoffed, then proceeded to say how many times she had heard me telling her that I would pay her back.
This provoked a wound in me that I had forgotten for some time, but had been recently flaring up due to my unemployment and lack of income. I usually would have laughed it off and reassure her that I would pay her back soon, but my thoughts wandered to earlier that day when my friend told me that his parents were supporting him. I immediately compared the situations of his and my own, and felt disappointed and hurt. This summer had been extremely financially worrying for me, as I had no stable income, but so many bills to pay. I had somehow made it through with God’s grace and mercy and paid off medical bills, credit card bills, and rent for my college housing on top of all the hangouts that Orange County Koreans love to always do.
But with finances so on top of my mind, I was hurt that my mom would verbally declare my inability to pay and provide for myself. I was also hurt that my mom wasn’t so understanding to me, that usually people my age still living in the house and still in school can’t really provide for themselves. That she couldn’t even see my heart, where I was willing to pay her back for a phone, a necessity in life that to be honest a parent should still be providing for.
But God, He revealed that dependency that I needed Him so much. Even when times seem better, something always goes wrong to reveal how I can never live on my own, for my own. This summer was (and still is) so hard for me, because I also had health problems. I paid over $200 out of my own pocket for medical bills, and I still didn’t get better; proving that money wasn’t even the answer. With unresolving health problems, bills that never go away, and a parent who can’t provide, who else could I turn to?
GOD IS MY STRENGTH AND MY PORTION FOREVER
'"The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.'" Lamentations 3:24
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
If you don’t understand the concept of needing Jesus, He really strips it all away for you. My life has been so full of helplessness, inabilities, and never having enough. But God, He is always, always more than enough for me. Recently, my bike was stolen from my apartment complex in Santa Barbara. I posted a very sad post on Facebook, listing the description and asking people to help me find it. Days passed, and I proceeded to look up a new bike, possibly go to a bike shop to get measured, and prepared to purchase as soon as I could procure the money. That night I prayed to God, “God, I have so many things to buy. Can you please provide at least one of them?” To be honest, I prayed that prayer with a skeptical mindset. Deep inside, I knew I had to pay for everything that was coming up. But the next day, my roommate Helen texted me with a picture, a picture of my bike returned back to where it was parked. I was so speechless, taken aback, and thankful. I was then reassured and I knew it my heart, my God is a miracle working God. No person who has gotten their bike stolen ever gets it back. Just like Jesus convicted the robber on the cross next to Him, God was working in my thief’s heart. To provide for me. He always brings everything to completion for good.
IF HE FEEDS THE BIRDS OF THE AIR, WOULDN’T HE FEED HIS PRECIOUS CHILDREN?
"'Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?'" Matthew 6:26
"Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life." Psalm 54:4
To be honest, this ministry is really privileged. I find myself blocked, and even too ashamed at times to bring up my financial situation. It humbles me to even write about this, but as of yet, I kind of have not found any struggling person near me, but I’m pretty positive there are many. And we know there are billions outside of this ministry who definitely are not as privileged. But if you find yourself in this situation where really, you have no ability to change or provide anything and find yourself in a dilemma where only God can provide, know that He can and He will. Will it always be the very thing we ask for? No. But God as of yet has never failed me, and I firmly believe He will never fail you. God truly works in mysterious ways but I have realized that His ways are better than my ways. Although I may not be and possibly you may not be the most well off, satisfied, and provided-for person, I realized that God knows exactly what to give me and what to not.